


It’s Not Just Lingerie

by mourntheantagonist



Series: Billy Hargrove’s Exploration of Beauty [2]
Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Again, Billy Hargrove Needs a Hug, Crying Billy Hargrove, Dialogue Heavy, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Lingerie, M/M, Steve Being a Loving and Supportive Boyfriend, Steve Harrington is a Sweetheart, Toxic Masculinity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-17 20:49:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28606245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mourntheantagonist/pseuds/mourntheantagonist
Summary: Looking nice, dressing the way he wanted to, those weren’t things that were out of the question. He never felt like he needed to be doing anything differently. He spent too much time on his hair. Always making an effort to look nice. Because it made him feel good. He didn’t care what other people said about it. Most of it was positive anyway.Or: Steve tries to understand.(should be read as part of the series)
Relationships: Billy Hargrove/Steve Harrington
Series: Billy Hargrove’s Exploration of Beauty [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2096136
Comments: 6
Kudos: 88





	It’s Not Just Lingerie

**Author's Note:**

> ok. making this a series until I have unleashed all of my beautiful billy hargrove feelings!!

Steve wouldn’t say he understood completely. He’d never felt that urge growing up. To be tough. He was always praised when he was soft. His mom always told him how kind he was. Called him handsome. Dressed him in sweaters and khakis. Smooth edges. He never had that need. To be a hard shell, impossible to crack. 

But he did know what it was like to pretend. Pretending for so long you become that person. Forget who you really are. Having to work really hard to find the person you lost. He’s still working on finding that person.

Looking nice, dressing the way he wanted to, those weren’t things that were out of the question. He never felt like he needed to be doing anything differently. He spent too much time on his hair. Always making an effort to look nice. Because it made him feel good. He didn’t care what other people said about it. Most of it was positive anyway.

Billy didn’t have the same problems as Steve. Billy wasn’t trying to reclaim someone he only lost recently to his asshole high school self. To the influences of Tommy H. and others. Billy was searching for someone he never truly had. And he has no idea what he looks like, so it’s just that much harder. Billy had spent years pushing it down. Pretending. Pretending like it didn’t matter. That who he was is simply lost to the wind. Simply accepting the identity he let everyone else see as true.

But then he put on the lace teddy, and he saw him. Saw the person he lost. Not all of him. But enough that he couldn’t turn away. Couldn’t forget what he saw. It was scary. It was terrifying. The person he locked in a cage deep underground now freely roaming around. Reeking havoc.

And he had no idea where to go from there.

So he broke down. On the bathroom floor wrapped in lace because he was feeling everything and nothing at the same time. 

And then when Steve saw him he felt shame. Like what he was doing was dirty and wrong. Not just because he was wearing it. But because he never wanted to take it off.

But then Steve called him beautiful. He used those words and Billy’s heart shattered in the best way possible. Because he was seeing the version of Billy he tried so desperately to hide and he liked him.

He thought he was beautiful.

And now he’s laying in Steve’s bed with Steve’s arms around him. Steve’s hands trailing up and down his lace clad torso. Playing with the straps and pressing kisses into the back of his shoulder. It feels nice. Just laying there. He feels like he could drift into sleep easily with only Steve’s gentle touch.

And then Steve ruins it.

“Do you wanna talk about what just happened?” Steve asks with a whisper.

It was foolish to think that Steve could just forget about it. Wishful thinking.

Billy doesn’t respond. He can’t respond. Because he doesn’t have an answer.

He wants to talk about it just as much as he absolutely doesn’t want to. He can feel it eating away at him. Devouring him. He wants to let it out. But he’s afraid. Afraid of what might come out with it. What things will be revealed that he won’t be able to take back. The thought of voicing his feelings has him choking on air.

He doesn’t respond.

“It’s okay if you don’t. Just wanted to give you the opportunity if you _did_ want to talk about it.”

Billy lets out a long sigh. 

“I don’t know how.” Is all he can get out. Voice hushed and broken. 

Steve laces his fingers with Billy’s. Bringing their clasped hands to meet Billy’s chest. Both of them are able to feel Billy’s heart pounding. 

“Can I ask questions?”

They can both feel his heart rate accelerate. 

He nods. His eyes are wired shut. 

“Are you okay?” Is the first thing he asks.

That’s a loaded question.

“I think so.” Is how he responds. Steve clutches him tighter. He didn’t like that answer. But he supposes it’s better than a no.

“We’re you worried I wouldn’t like it?”

Billy tightens his grip on Steve’s hand. It almost hurts.

“A little.”

“Is that why you – “

“No.”

The grip is tighter. Tighter. Tighter. He’s breathing heavy again. Erratic and uncontrolled. 

“Okay.” 

Steve removes hand from Billy’s grip, albeit, with some struggle. Moves it to rest on Billy’s shoulder. Pulling back on it gently.

“Can you look at me Billy?”

He’s terrified. He knows the look he’s going to get. Steve and his sad eyes. Eyes of pity. The same eyes he gave when he’d come to his house in the middle of the night with a black eye and a split lip. He didn’t like it. But he had to look at him. He had to face him. Because if he didn’t he might explode.

He rolls over onto his other side so that he’s facing him. Eyes aimed downward, away from Steve’s. Until Steve’s hands found Billy’s face, forcibly making him look directly at him. Billy’s heart clenches when he sees his eyes. Concern all over his face. The eyes. The damn eyes. Boring a hole into his soul. 

“Do _you_ like it?” He asks. Very stern.

Billy nods. Tears welling in his eyes and blurring his vision. Steve’s stroking his cheek with his thumb and Billy leans into the touch. Lets his eyes fall shut. A tear rolling down his cheek when he does. 

“Then what’s the problem?”

He opens his eyes and they’re dead. Lifeless eyes staring back at Steve. 

Steve doesn’t know what to do. He just stares. Waits for the response anxiously. Worriedly. 

“I’m not supposed to.” He says it so bluntly. With so much conviction. He looks like he’s guilty of something, or at least feels that way. “It’s wrong.” He follows. 

And that shatters something inside Steve. He fucking feels it inside of him. In his very core. Shards stabbing his insides at those words. It hurts. He hates the words and he hates even more the way he says them. So matter of fact. So sure of himself as something that is wrong. 

“There’s nothing wrong with this. Nothing that looks this good could be wrong,” He physically shakes Billy. Tries to shake it into him. “and when have you ever done what you were supposed to?” Steve has a forced smile. He wants Billy to smile. To stop putting himself down. 

“Too long.”

Another tug against his heart. 

“I’m sorry.”

Steve is playing with Billy’s hair. Tucking loose strands behind his ear and combing his fingers through tangled locks. Filling the time as he contemplates his next words. Because this is fragile. Billy is fragile and vulnerable right now and Steve has to be careful. Stealthy and calculated. 

“You don’t have to do that here. With me. The only thing you’re supposed to do here is be you. I love that person, even if I don’t completely know him yet.” They’d only said they loved each other a handful of times. But it feels like their first every time. “Believe me. You look amazing in lace.”

Billy’s dead expression falls to a frown. Not what he was hoping for, but at least it’s something. At least there’s an emotion there.

“It’s not just lingerie.” He’s not looking at Steve when he says it. His eyes pointing downwards at his chest. All Steve can see are his eyelids.

And somehow, for some reason, Steve completely understands what that means. The implications behind it. Everything. Understands why Billy can’t say it. Understands why Billy talks around it. Beating around the bush and hoping there’s something there that Steve can cling onto. And he gets it. 

He gets it. 

And he smiles.

Because Billy’s opening himself up. Just with little cracks in the surface, but it’s enough. Enough to see that what’s beneath is beautiful and deserves to be freed. Billy deserves to be seen. And Steve would stop at nothing to do that for him. 

Billy helped Steve find himself after he was lost. 

Steve would do the same for Billy.

He presses a kiss to Billy’s forehead and then his cheek and then his lips. 

“Then it’s not just lingerie.”

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> comments and kudos are appreciated!!
> 
> follow me on tumblr; [mourntheantagonist](https://mourntheantagonist.tumblr.com)


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